Tag: goodbyes

break.

i wanted to write something here about my recent lack of posts over these last couple of months and my mental state regarding it all. poetry has been something that i have been so passionate about my entire life, and  hopefully will forever be something i enjoy doing. opening myself up to the world and posting my work for all to see has been an experience that has helped change me for the better and been a major factor in the way of breaking my shell. however, i would be lying if i said i did not feel like i have been losing my desire to write over these last 6 months.

i have countless times either picked up my pen and attempted to write in my journal or gotten behind a keyboard to try to type the thoughts out into my own art, but i have not been able to at a level that feels like.. me? i am not sure how to quite explain it but even with a recent boost of positive emotions in my life, i cannot find the words to put out writing that i deem acceptable.

i am hopeful that this is not me losing my desire to continue writing and simply a roadblock that my mind cannot figure a way around, but i am not sure at this point. i used to think my writing is dependent on a single emotion overwhelming me a bit by sort of “forcing” me to put thoughts to paper, but i’m not sure that is the case anymore. i have had a variety of emotions overwhelming me in the last couple of months but none have given me any desire to write. sure i have posted some here and there, but they are not ones i am fully happy with and moreso just me trying to keep this active.

with all of that being said, i am doing very well with my mental state currently. i would personally argue this is the happiest i have been with myself in a very long time and it’s not from any sources besides myself. i am focused on only me, my goals, and my life and that is something i have not done arguably ever. thank you to all that have supported. whether it’s loud or silent, i appreciate it and i feel it. i am going to disappear for a bit and if i ever come back to this site, i will be excited to share my work with you all that actually embodies me, jacob nathaniel roggensack.

thank you.

how

how is one meant to cry
if the tears refuse to fall?

how is one meant to smile
if the pain is too much?

how is one meant to push
if the burden is too heavy?

how is one meant to shine
if the rain doesn’t stop?

how is one meant to grow
if the room is too small?

how is one meant to love
if the heart is cracked?

how is one meant to speak
if the words remain silent?

how is one meant to wait
if the train is moving?

how is one meant to heal
if the wound is too deep?

how is one meant to continue
if the desire is gone?

🎂

the clock reaches twelve,
like it’s been waiting all year
to do this to me.

no candles,
no voices filled with song,
just the wind stinging my cheeks.

my birthday ends,
and nothing arrives with it.

the quiet invites itself in,
so heavy it knocks the air out of me,
louder than any wish i never said out loud.

a single tear slips free-
warm, unannounced,
as if my body understood before i did.

this is the moment
where hope stops pretending-
where endings are finished.

the past feels distant now,
names erased by time,
memories thinning like old photographs left in the sun

i don’t argue anymore-
i just listen
as the clock ticks.

and in that stillness,
i finally understand.

this was the sign-
the last one i needed.

at the edge

i stood at the edge,
the wind tasting of salt and freedom,
the drop and the silence below
calling themselves peace.

i used to think that falling
was the only way to stop from breaking,
that the world would understand
why the air didn’t catch me.

my toes curled over stone,
the ocean marking my target
as i took a deep breath in,
bracing for the shove.

but it never came.

the horizon sang
with a beauty and hum
i will never forget-
the sky golden and alive
as i opened my eyes.

my ache is still here,
but it beats with my heart-
asking me to stay.

i took my step back,
not in fear,
but in wonder
at how much more there is to live for.

temptation

the stars don’t glow the way they used to-
their light feels weak,
as if even the sky has grown tired
of pretending.

i watch them,
waiting for a spark to break through,
but they only fade,
distant and pale,
like the hollow parts of me.

the one is still there,
shining brighter than the others,
reminding me of what i seek
but cannot have.

there’s a dirt path
that keeps whispering my name,
its curve pulling me away
from the noise,
from the faces,
from myself.

i know where it leads-
to a place where i can vanish
without protest,
without sound,
like a shadow blending in
when the stars finally go dark.

for once,
maybe i’ll listen to temptation.

night drive

the path opens,
my car turning onto it
as dirt and gravel whisper under tired tires.

off the map and off the road,
not a streetlight in sight
nor is there a reason to stop.

the moon attempts to accompany me,
as do the stars,
but to no avail-
this is meant to be done alone.

just the hum of the engine
and whatever’s left of me clinging-
to the wheel?
to the body i carry?

i don’t know where i am,
maybe that’s the point.

the silence feels oh so heavy,
as if it knows
i wouldn’t mind
if it let me disappear into it.

🧳

i tucked my life into a suitcase,
shirts still holding the shape of my hangers,
memories tucked between zippers.

the floor creaked like it knew,
but no one else did.

no note.
no goodbye.
just the soft click of the door
closing behind me,
like a breath held too long.

the morning was gray,
grass still full of dew,
and the silence
finally had a chance to speak.

the car started up,
a slow cry as if
it was pleading for me to stay-
to at least tell them my thoughts.

goodbye would have hurt too much-
made me second guess
and likely stay.

the road is smooth,
humming as the adventure begins.