usually the first heavy snow
opens my soul-
a glimmer of joy,
a coldness i love and trust.
but this time,
it fell like ash,
burying all paths i knew
and all hope i had.
the world went white
as i went blue,
suffocating under the weight
of a season that could once lift me.
even on the rainiest of days,
the sun still smiles
and the birds still sing.
the tears may flow,
but happiness will reign.
it beats against my chest,
or at least it would
if it was still there.
absent,
a hole where it used to lie
with shadows filling it in.
i do not want it back
as it was the greatest gift
i could give outside of
my soul.
please take care of it-
it was meant to rest next to yours.
being like this,
it isn’t fun.
i want to cry
but my body forgets how.
i want to scream
but my throat chooses silence.
i don’t want to shake
but my hands reveal my secret,
full of shame
and embarrassment.
i don’t want to drown
but my thoughts continue to pour in,
plugging the drain
and overfilling.
i don’t want to be this way,
fighting my battles alone.
scared to show my pain,
happy to share my disguise.
i wish someone could see
past the skin i wear so well,
and grab my hand
to calm my storm.
the path opens,
my car turning onto it
as dirt and gravel whisper under tired tires.
off the map and off the road,
not a streetlight in sight
nor is there a reason to stop.
the moon attempts to accompany me,
as do the stars,
but to no avail-
this is meant to be done alone.
just the hum of the engine
and whatever’s left of me clinging-
to the wheel?
to the body i carry?
i don’t know where i am,
maybe that’s the point.
the silence feels oh so heavy,
as if it knows
i wouldn’t mind
if it let me disappear into it.
for you,
i would capture the stars
and show that
you shine brighter
than they ever will.
it’s okay-
to mimic the rain,
to shatter the glass,
to run the faucet without care.
pain,
heartbreak,
fear,
tragedy,
life.
even the strongest
must cry sometimes.
some claim that rain ruins days-
washing away plans
as if they are not meant
to be rinsed sometimes.
as if the sky is not allowed to cry,
too full of emotion and struggle
to continue to shine and prosper.
one small puddle,
a forgotten umbrella,
or even just a rolled down window
and suddenly they hate it all.
but why view it with anger
and not beauty?
the dancing on rooftops,
flowing down hills,
shimmering in streetlights?
don’t hide from it-
embrace the joy from when
we were once young.
get soaked,
jump in those puddles,
celebrate the beauty of nature.
grab her hand and dance
in that empty parking lot,
laughing,
loving,
and remembering that this is
the beautiful world we live in.
make these moments worth it.
live without anger.
live with joy.
one would think
that after resting for 26 years,
they would have energy.
energy to explore-
to run with speed,
to love with passion,
to write with fire,
to live without fear.
but no-
i am still so tired.
another stormy day-
the sky screaming
as the clouds fight
and their tears fall.
they hit the windshield
as i commute to work,
reminding me that
i am not the only
broken one.
rog's poems 